Monday, 10 November 2008
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Journal Entry 11/9/08
I was contemplating today how I had heard someone in the ministry say that God called him into it because heneeded to be kept on a short leash. I realized, maybe a few years ago, that this also applies to me. While some would like to glorify what I am doing over here, itis not the truth. I am no holier than anyone else and these last two days prove it. We have not had access to the internet these two days and, while I thought it was only my computer, it's the whole Center. Also, my mp3 players broke on Thursday. Without these two things, my world continues to turn, but I'm having a hard time keeping up.
I began to wonder why and came to the conclusion that I have been neglecting God and so He's drawing me back in. Also, my sin has affected the whole of this building. What is funny is that while I was coming to this conclusion, in the next room over, the other teacher cam to it as well, but for herself. Even so, I have still refused to converse with God and I can sense Him outside my door waiting and wondering when I'll just give up and let Him in.
I have become preoccupied lately. Preoccupied with "good" things: my updates back home, building relationships with the lost, listening to sermons, and possibly falling in love with a man, a good, godly missions-minded man. But none of these are God! I had promised at the beginning that my mp3 player would not be used in transit, so that I would use that time to read the Bible or a Christian Living book. I failed that. I had decided that I would do a sketch on God's characteristics, but have failed that as well. I also decided I would go through all of Paul's letters...I'm still in the 1st chapter of Romans.
I fail and fail and fail. I wonder how my predecessors had done it before me. Someone like Amy Carmichael...was she such a fickle and uncommitted person as I am? All the beautiful and devited things she wrote, were those on her good days that came once a week? once a month?
Proverbs 2:1-15...specifically verses 4-5: if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God.
All will fall in place when I give God His due place in my life ---> #1!
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Comments (4)
mmm i hear ya with the failing ... how easy it is to forget our promises to God... but he still loves us :)
hope all is well, I'm guessing you got internet back?
@shanella - yep, I got the internet back last night...I did finally sit down with God. It was so.....God-like. I was sitting on my bed just staring at my blankets and I couldn't say anything besides "I'm sorry." Immediately, the words to this song I've been listening to recently came into my mind, the chorus part says, "Child, you're forgiven and free."
It brought me to tears. Just at that moment those words came in, and it was like God was speaking directly to my heart. :)
@xapatotheworld -mmmm what a lovely little moment :) I'm glad you got the chance to talk to our Lord and got his comfort :)
im not sure how your predecessors did it, but i say you shouldnt try to set and hold yourself to goals. just do what you can when you become good and ready to do it. God seems to be pretty content to wait at your door.